She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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