My Higher Power is John Stamos
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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