Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
