HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
