Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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