some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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