tonight lets celebrate not being married
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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