Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
