I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
