Where did you get a picture of my penis
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
