My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
