dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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