Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
