i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
