I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
