i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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