i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
