It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
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