Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
