allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
