Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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