guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
