I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
even my farts smell like vagina
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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