Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
