That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize