You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
