You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize