made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm too high and old for this...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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