This is not my ceiling
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
