Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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