There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
