he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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