Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
