God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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