I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
