she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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