Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
What drink are we having for lunch?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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