the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
