Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
