Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
