She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
