I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
handjob tips. give me some.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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