ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
