I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
