dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
