found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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