I faked an abortion last night.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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