Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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