You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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