I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
