She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
