She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
