there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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