Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
