thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
