Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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