We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
