Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
