nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
