My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
