You made me cry and you don't even care
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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