My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
