life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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