just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
