I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
