I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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